Programming is a lot like sex.
One mistake and you could have 
to support it the rest of your life.
%
There are two ways to write error-free programs;
only the third one works.
%
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
Grossmann's Gesetz :
Komplexe Probleme haben einfache, leichtverständliche, aber
falsche Lösungen.
%
Smith's Gesetz der Computer-Reparatur :
  Gehäusebohrungen sind 1/2 Zoll zu klein.
  Ableitung :
     Bohrungen, die den richtigen Durchmesser haben, sind an der
     falschen Stelle.
%
Segal's Gesetz :
  Ein Mann mit einer Uhr weiss, wie spät es ist.
  Ein Mann mit zwei Uhren ist sich nie sicher.
%
Grundlegende Konstruktionslehre :
  Mach es zu gross und hau solange drauf, bis es passt.
%
Rap's Gesetz der unbeseelten Reproduktion :
  Wenn man etwas oft genug auseinandernimmt und wieder
  zusammensetzt, hat man schliesslich zwei davon.
%
Vesilind's Gesetze des Experimentierens :
  1. Wenn die Wiederholung Schwierigkeiten macht, führe den Test
     nur einmal durch.
  2. Wenn eine Gerade als Ergebnis verlangt wird, messe nur
     zweimal.
%
Greer's drittes Gesetz :
  Ein Computerprogramm tut, was du schreibst, nicht was Du
  willst.
%
Strano's Regel :
  Wenn alles andere versagt hat, versuchen Sie es mal mit dem
  Vorschlag des Chefs.
%
Brintnall's zweites Gesetz :
  Wenn Sie zwei Anweisungen erhalten, die sich ausschliessen,
  gehorchen Sie beiden.
%
Good's Regel - angepasst :
  Wenn der Lösungsweg nicht auf dein Problem passt, dann ändere
  einfach das Problem.
%
Warren's Regel :
  Willst du den Fachmann herausfinden, nimm den, der die meiste
  Zeit braucht und die höchsten Kosten für eine Sache voraussagt.
%
Hawkin's Fortschrittstheorie :
  Fortschritt besteht nicht darin, eine falsche Theorie durch
  eine richtige zu ersetzen. Er besteht darin, eine falsche
  Theorie durch eine spitzfindigere falsche zu ersetzen.
%
Ferguson's Regel :
Die Krise ist da, wenn du nicht mehr sagen kannst: "Vergeßt das
Ganze".
%
Sir Walter's Gesetz :
Die Neigung des Rauches (Zigarette, Lagerfeuer usw.), ins
Gesicht von jemand zu ziehen, hängt direkt mit der
Rauchempfindlichkeit dieser Person zusammen.
%
Smith's Gesetz :
Ein richtiges Problem hat keine Lösung.
%
Hoare's Gesetz der grossen Probleme :
In jedem grossen Problem steckt ein kleines, 
das gerne raus möchte.
%
Schainker's Umkehr von Hoare's Gesetz der grossen Probleme :
In jedem kleinen Problem steckt ein grosses, 
das gerne raus möchte.
%
Die Römische Regel :
Derjenige, der sagt: "Es geht nicht", 
soll den nicht stören,
der's gerade tut.
%
["OK, mal angenommen, ich würde es verstehen....
  WAS würde ich dann verstehen?"]
  -- Rumsmurmel
%
["If you can't convince them, confuse them."]
  -- President Harry S Truman
%
["Ich habe lange überlegt was ich denn so kann,
  aber so richtig gut
  kann ich eigentlich nur Bier trinken."]
  -- Name known to the author
%
["Fighting over religion 
  is like seeing whose imaginary friend is best."]
  -- Ekhymosis
%
["Wer den Mund hält, wenn er merkt, dass er unrecht hat ist weise. 
Wer den Mund hält, obwohl er recht hat, ist verheiratet."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Warum können Frauen über 30 kein Verstecken mehr spielen ?
  Weil sie niemand mehr sucht."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Je kleiner die Einsätze sind, 
  desto mehr verliert man, wenn man gewinnt."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
LOAD "SIG",8,1
  -- Nasarius
%
"Manche Maenner versuchen ihr leben lang Frauen zu verstehen. 
 andere widmen sich einfacheren Dingen, 
 wie beispielsweise der Relativitaetstheorie." 
 -- Albert Einstein
%
["Look for the ridiculous in everything
  and you will find it."]
  -- Jules Renard
%
["Was heute Zeit heisst, ist ein technologisches Konzept,
das asynchron zu den Rhythmen des Lebens läuft."]
  -- John Trudell
%
Tust du Gutes, tu es langsam; tust du Böses, tu es auf einmal.
(Niccolò Macchiavelli)
%
Fragen, die die Menschheit bewegen:
Wieso hat eine 24-Stunden-Tankstelle Türschlösser?
%
Auch Arme haben Beine. 
%
Das Sekundäre ist in erster Linie zweitrangig.
%
Ich sage, was ich denke, damit ich höre, was ich weiss.
%
A bus station is where a bus stops,
a train station is where a train stops,
on my desk I have a work station... 
%
Planung bedeutet, den Zufall durch den Irrtum zu ersetzen.
(Managerweisheit) 
%
["hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. 
  it responds to ping, it works completely, 
  I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is."]
-- erno
%
["I'm really a nice guy. 
  If I had friends, they would tell you."]
   -- Binkzz
%
POKE 53281,0 POKE 53280,0
%
999 Number of the Australian Beast
%
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
%
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
%
["If you make a general statement, 
  a programmer says, 'Yes, but...'
  while a designer says, 'Yes, and...'"]
    -- André Bensoussan
%
["Die letzte Stimme, die man hört, bevor die Welt untergeht, 
  wird die eines Experten sein, der versichert, 
  das sei gar nicht möglich."]
 -- Peter Ustinov 
%
["Immer mehr Senioren verschwinden spurlos !
  Haben sie ALT + Entfernen gedrückt?"]
  -- bausbk
%
["Reality corrupted. Reboot universe? (Y/N)"]
  -- Unknown
%
["In the beginning was the word. 
  But by the time the second word was added to it, 
  there was trouble. 
  For with it came syntax..."]
        John Simon 
%
["You know you've been online too long 
  when you look at your watch at 4:04 PM 
  and think "Whaddaya mean, time not found?"]
  -- jc42
%
["Wenn Du wissen willst, wie Deine Freundin sich entwickelt,
  ....schau ihre Mutter an...."]
 -- A wise man
%
["First you listen to the users; then you ignore them."]
 -- Ken Arnold
%
["The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, 
  but the illusion of knowledge."]
 -- Daniel Boorstin 
%
["Good judgement is the result of experience... 
  Experience is the result of bad judgement."]
 -- Fred Brooks 
%
["The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure 
  and the intelligent are full of doubt."]
  -- Bertrand Russell 
%
["There are features that should not be used.
  There are concepts that should not be exploited.
  There are problems that should not be solved.
  There are programs that should not be written."]
 -- Richard Harter <rh@smds.com> 
%
["If you've been pounding nails with your forehead for years, 
  it may feel strange the first time somebody hands you a hammer. 
  But that doesn't mean that you should strap the hammer to a headband 
  just to give your skull that old familiar jolt."]
 -- Wayne Throop <throopw%sheol.uucp@dg-rtp.dg.com> 
%
["I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, 
  which, when you looked at it in the right way, 
  did not become still more complicated."]
  -- Poul Anderson
%
["Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, 
  because that would also stop them from doing clever things."]
  --Doug Gwyn 
%
["Wer einen Schreibfehler findet, der darf ihn behalten"]
 -- Andi
%
["The Internet: 
  Proof that a million monkeys with keyboards 
  won't produce the complete works of Shakespeare."]
   -- oneanoneis2
%
["<binary><bit>0</bit>..."]
  -- XML, instead of real stuff
%
["Apple ran a great ad when Windows 95 came out. 
  It was a full two pages that just said: 
      C:\ONGRTLNS.W95"]
 -- goatpunch
%
["Light travels faster than sound. 
  This is why some people appear bright 
  until you hear them speak........."]
  -- Cayenne8
%
["Bildung kommt von Bildschirm, 
  und nicht von Buch sonst hiesse es ja Buchung."]
  -- Dieter Hildebrand
%
["A man alone in the forest talking to himself,
  and no women around to hear him.
  Is he still wrong ?"]
  -- Stupo
%
["Es gibt nur wenige Probleme, 
  die nicht mit Bier und Dynamit gelöst werden könnten."]
  -- mot, part of the chaoscrew '94
%
["WinFS, advertised as a way to make searching work [...] 
  ignores the fact that the real way to make searching work 
  is by making searching work."]
  -- Joel Spolsky
%
["Wenn ich jetzt nicht ich wäre, hätte ich wohl keinen
  Schimmer, was ich eigentlich sagen will."]
  -- Andy
%
["The Sasser worm is proof that Microsoft does support free software!"]
  -- nizo
%
["Make a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a night. 
 Set him alight, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!"]
   --Steve
%
find / -name '*base*' |xargs chown -R us
%
["We don't meet our users requirements with acres of diagrams,
  with detailed project schedules, 
  with four-foot-heigh piles of design documentation.
  These are all wishes - expressions of what we'd like to be true.
  No, we deliver by writing code: code is reality."]
    --Dave Thomas
%
"Alkohol eignet sich auch gut als Lösungsmittel für Probleme aller Art."
  -- Mario
%
"There are two ways of constructing a software design. 
  One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, 
  and the other is to make it so complicated 
  that there are no obvious deficiencies." - C.A.R. Hoare
%
"Sure I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid ENOUGH?" 
  -- Unknown
%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
  -- /.
%
Repeat after me: We are all individuals.
  -- Timesprout
%
Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi.  
Unfortunately they use Borg to do their marketing 
and Ferengi to do their programming.
                      -- Simon Slavin, in the Monastery
%
The irony is that Bill Gates claims to be making a stable operating
system and Linus Torvalds claims to be trying to take over the world.
    -- seen on the net
%
When they broke open molecules, 
  they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, 
  they found them stuffed with explosions.
%
Real programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars 
don't turn from 99,999 to A0000.
%
"In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them."
Prof. Gerald Karam
%
63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!
 --(Travoltus)
%
["Nostalgie ist auch nicht mehr das, was es fr�her mal war."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
Last week, I left my 2 XP CDs on my dashboard in plain view. Someone broke
into my car and left 2 more.
 -- satanami69
%
A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds
Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine
  -- defile
%
["Lend a man a PC and he'll surf for a day. 
  Give a man a PC and you're his tech support forever."]
    -- Psmylie
%
["Wenn du den lieben Gott zum Lachen bringen willst,
  erzähle ihm von deinen Plänen."]
    -- Alois Hundertpfund
%
["Unterricht ist oftmals Warten auf bessere Zeiten."]
    -- H. Landolt (?)
%
["Wenn der Mensch eine Weiterentwicklung des Affen ist,
  warum gibt's dann noch Affen? "] --Andi
%
["Ein Butterbrot landet immer auf der Butterseite. 
  Eine Katze landet immer auf den Pfoten. 
  Was passiert, wenn man einer Katze 
  Butter auf den Rücken schmiert ?"] -- Andi
%
["90% der Männer wurden von Frauen erzogen,
  sie sind also selber schuld...."]
    -- unknown
%
[" --> If you hold a Unix shell to your ear, 
      do you hear the C?"] 
            -- nadador
%
//TODO - implement .sig
%
["Engineering without management is art." ]
  -- Jeff Johnson   
%
["The good thing about having a good memory is ... euh ... 
  I keep forgetting this part."]
    -duvel2
%
["Flink wie ein Hochhaus und schnell wie ein Baum."]
  -- Charakterisierung von und über einen Arbeitskollegen
%
["I have not failed. 
  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."] 
       --Thomas Edison                                                          
%
["Unix is userfriendly,
  it's just selective about who his friends are."]
  -- Common Knowledge
%
["As they say, the first 95% of a software project takes 95% of the time.  
  And the remaining 5% of the project takes another 95% of the time."]
  -- Unknown
%
["The logon dialog box that is displayed can be interpreted 
  as an invitation to breach system security"] 
  -- Microsoft Knowledge Base #Q101063
%
["Act like a dumbshit and they'll treat you as an equal."]
   -- Ivan E. Moore II
%
["The difference between theory and practice, is that in theory, 
  there is no difference between theory and practice."]
     -- Richard Moore
%
["Remember that 50% of people 
  are even dumber than the average. "]
  -- Iamthefallen 
%
["I don't have a big ego, I'm too cool for that."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Frauen verblühen, Männer verduften."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Life consists not in holding good cards 
  but in playing those you hold well."]
  -- (Josh Billings) 
%
Linux-Penguin says: "what can't fly can't crash"
%
Programmer Joke: Helloween=X-Mas cuz 31 oct = 25 dec
%
[".Sig wanted: Must be concise, funny, and display my cleverness."]
  -- Slashdot
%
Personalführung...
ist die Kunst einen Mitarbeiter so schnell über den Tisch zu ziehen,
dass er die Reibungshitze als Nestwärme empfindet!
%
  Quickies From The Lip...
  1. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  2. If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.
  3. Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  4. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
  5. Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
Crayne's Law:
  All computers wait at the same speed.
%
["Seien Sie nicht unersetzlich. Denn wenn Sie nicht ersetzt werden können, 
  können Sie auch nicht befördert werden."]
  -- maennerseiten.de
%
["Jeder kann jede beliebige Arbeit perfekt verrichten - 
  vorausgesetzt, es ist nicht seine eigene Arbeit."]
  -- maennerseiten.de
%
["Wenn Sie mit einem wirklich schwierigen Problem konfrontiert werden, 
  macht es die Sache wesentlich leichter, wenn Sie sich die Frage stellen 
  "Wie würde der Einsame Rächer jetzt handeln?"] 
  -- maennerseiten.de
%
["Egal, wievie Sie arbeiten - Sie tun niemals genug."]
  -- maennerseiten.de
%
["PUC FRAU
  TIZE ASChembe
  iH KePUT FOR FRAGe
  objektleiter TEL 079/xxx xx xx"] 
   -- Aufschrift auf zerdeppertem Aschenbecher
%
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
%
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
%
We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.
%
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
%
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
%
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
%
Always remember you are unique, just like everybody else.
%
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
%
Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.
%
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
%
Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.
%
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
%
I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.
%
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
%
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
%
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
%
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
resemble a nail.  -- Abraham Maslow
%
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
%
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3
    ---not even for very large values of 2.
%
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:  
LSD and  UNIX.  We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 
  -- Jeremy S. Anderson 
%
Dad, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? 
%
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
%
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^^ NO CARRIER 
%
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
%
AI usually beats real stupidity.
%
Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I.
%
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
%
Oops.  My brain just hit a bad sector.
%
All generalizations are false, including this one. 
%
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
%
Who is General Failure and why is s/he reading my disk? 
%
Hex dump:  Where witches put used curses. 
%
Computer analyst to programmer:  
  "You start coding.  I'll go find out what they want."
%
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist! 
%
It said "Insert Disk #3," but only two will fit!
%
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! 
%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
%
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
        must be the process of putting them in! 
%
"#define QUESTION ((bb || !(bb))  - W.H.Shakespeare 
%
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine
%
If at first you don't succeed, call it Version 1.0
%
God is real, unless explicitly declared INTEGER. 
%
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. 
%
Programming is an art form that fights back.
%
Reason #173 to fear technology...

     o      o     o    o     o    <o     <o>    o>     o
    .|.    \|.   \|/   //    X     \      |    <|     <|>
     /\     >\   /<    >\   /<     >\    /<     >\    /<

  Mr. Asciihead learns the Macarena.
%
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
      --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
        science, 1949
%
 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
      --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
%
 "But what ... is it good for?"
      --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
        1968, commenting on the microchip.
%
 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
      --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
        Equipment Corp., 1977
%
 "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
      --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
%
 "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
      --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
        Superieure de Guerre.
%
 "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
      --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
%
 "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
      -- Bill Gates, 1981
%
Eigentlich bin ich ganz anders, aber ich komme so selten dazu...
(Oedoen von Horvath)
%
"Ich denke, also habe ich gefruehstueckt."
(Charles Fort)
%
["du sollst dich nicht lustig machen über brillenträger
  auch wenn sie brillen tragen mit gläsern,
  die so dick sind, dass man sie umdrehen kann und dann sieht,
  was gestern passiert ist."] (KULT 4/2000)
%
["If a packet has a pocket on a socket on a port,
  and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
  and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
  then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!"] (CG)
%
["If the label on your cable on the gable on your house,
  says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
  but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
  that's  repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall."] (CG)
%
Sie: "Aber Schatz das ist doch gar nicht unser Baby!"
Er:  "Psst, nicht so laut. Aber der Kinderwagen ist besser."
                             (unknown)
%
["I PROCESS therefore I AM."]
  (www.thinkgeek.com)
%
["Sent by the Department of Redundancy Department."] 
  (www.thinkgeek.com)
%
["The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." 
 So I installed LINUX" ] (www.thinkgeek.com)
%
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
%
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
%
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
%
Windows 98 zur Kuhflade: Ich bin das Betriebssystem.
Kuhflade zu Windows: Und ich bin eine Sachertorte.
%
["Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."] 
(Fridy Fun)
%
"Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except that
no conclusion can be drawn from them."
(By Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)
%
>Ever heard of .cshrc?
That's a city in Bosnia.  Right?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)
%
"...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with two
noted exceptions: being struck by lightning, or worse, your *computer*
being struck by lightning."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds."
(Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amsterdam Linux Symposium)
%
["The more I learn about the Internet, the more amazed I am that it works at all."]
    (Charles Miller)
%
This Mail likes to be archived on the Echelon Server (Hi, NSA):
Keywords: Bomb, Terrorist, Money, Saddam, Tank, Rocket, Warfare
%
Was hat vier Beine und einen Arm?
Ein glücklicher Pitbull-Terrier
%
"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool 
than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Abraham Lincoln
%
"Das Leben ist eine auf sexuellem Weg übertragbare Krankheit"
%
"The further i get from the things that i care about 
the less i care about how much further away i get." 
  -- Robert Smith
%
["Wenn schwimmen schlank macht, was machen Blauwale falsch ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Wenn Maisoel aus Mais gemacht wird, wie sieht es mit Babyoel aus ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Wenn Superkleber wirklich ueberall klebt, 
  warum dann nicht auf der Innenseite der Tube?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Warum besteht Zitronenlimonade grösstenteils aus künstlichen Zutaten,
  während in Geschirrspülmittel richtiger Zitronensaft drin ist ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Warum hat Tarzan keinen Bart?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Wie würden Stühle aussehen, 
  wenn wir die Kniescheiben hinten hätten ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Warum laufen Nasen, während Füsse riechen ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Wenn nichts an Teflon haftet, 
  wieso haftet es an der Pfanne ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Warum gibt es in Flugzeugen Schwimmwesten statt Fallschirme ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Wenn man in einem Fluggerät sitzen würde, 
  das mit Lichtgeschwindigkeit fliegt, 
  was würde passieren, wenn man die Scheinwerfer einschaltet ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Wenn die sog. "Black Box" eines Flugzeugs unzerstörbar ist, 
  wieso baut man dann nicht das ganze Flugzeug aus dem Material ?"]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Mit Computern hat man Zeit, Dinge zu tun, die man ohne sie nicht tun müsste..."]
  (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["If Windows is the answer, it must have been a stupid question."]
  (Jef)  
%
["Why should we limit computers 
  to the lies people tell them through keyboards"] -- Bill Gospar, 1965, MIT
%
["Die Laborproben haben sich ohne Vorwarnung explosiv zersetzt."]
  -- Laborjournal eines dem Autoren bekannten Labors
%
["I'm sorry. The number you have reached is imaginary. 
  Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."] -- Unknown
%
Servus, Dies ist ein östreichischer Virus !
  Bitte schicken Sie dieses Mail an alle Ihre Bekannten 
  und löschen Sie danach Ihre Harddisk.
%
Sie: "Bist Du Nosferatu ?"
Er (verstrichen am Boden): "Nein."
Sie: "Du riechst aber so."
  -- Ein Gruftiepäärchen um 01:00 am Meraluna-Festival
%
["Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away 
  from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie."]
 - Dennis Miller 
%
["the fellow responsible for the damage done by CodeRED... 
  they'll probably just split his company in half."]
 - A.DeBoer
%
["Unvorsichtige Elektriker 
  werden schnell zu leitenden Angestellten."]
    -- Unknown
%
["Es braucht die Rechenpower eines Pentium, 16 MB RAM 
  und 1 GB Festplattenspeicher, um Win98 laufen zu lassen.
  Es brauchte die Rechenpower von drei C64, um zum Mond zu fliegen.
  Irgendetwas stimmt mit unserer Welt nicht..."] -- Unknown
%
["Der grösste Vorteil des schnurlosen Telefons ist: 
  Frauen können nur noch solange telefonieren, wie der Akku reicht!"]
         (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
Die letzten Worte...
   des Architekten: "Mir fällt da gerade was ein..."
         (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
Die letzten Worte...
   des Bergsteigers: "Waren gar nicht mal teuer, diese Karabinerhaken..."
         (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
Die letzten Worte des Chemikers...
   "Muss das warm werden ?"
   oder : "Und nun der Geschmackstest"
         (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
Die letzten Worte... 
   des Sportlehrers: "Alle Speere zu mir..."
         (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
Die letzten Worte... 
   des Informatikers: "Ich bleibe hier bis das Problem gelöst ist !"
         (Mondai Jogg around da globe)
%
["Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers,
  only cross-references."] (Béli)
%
["Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest 
  that when this mail is not directly observed,
  it may cease to exist or will exist only in an undetermined state"]
              -- Elminst
%
["Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware"]
  --- coolsig
%
["Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Programmers never die: They just GOSUB without RETURN."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes."]
  --- coolsig
%
["File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)"]
  --- coolsig
%
["FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing..."]
  --- coolsig
%
["A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy."] 
  - Joseph Campbell
%
["Real programmers don't document. 
  If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Students nowadays, complaining they only get 5MBs of disk space! 
  In my day we were lucky if we had one file, and that was /dev/null."]
  -- Unknown
%
["There are 10 kinds of people in the world: 
  Those who understand binary and those who don't..."]
  -- coolsig
%
["You know you've spent too much time on the computer when you spill milk 
  and the first thing you think is, 'edit, undo.'"]
  -- Coolsig
%
["A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?"]
  -- Coolsig
%
["Yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER"]
  -- Coolsig
%
[" When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. 
   But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."]
  -- Coolsig
%
["It might look like I'm doing nothing, 
  but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy."]
  -- Coolsig
%
["Unix is simple, 
  but it takes a genius to understand the simplicity."] 
  - Dennis Ritchie
%
["If the Start Windows Restart when Windows starts check box is checked 
  Windows Restart will start automatically every time Windows is started."]
                      - Actual excerpt from a windows program help file!
%
["Calculating in binary code is as easy as 01,10,11."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Hey! It compiles! Ship it!"]
  --- coolsig
%
["M.C.S.E :- Minesweeper Consultant & Solitaire Expert"]
  -- coolsig
%
["No trees were killed in the creation of this message. 
  However, many electrons were terrible inconvenienced."]
  -- coolsig
%
["All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?"]
  --- coolsig
%
["A hen is an egg's way of making another egg."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Life's unfair - but root password helps!"]
  --- coolsig
%
["Finish the project. We'll buy you a new family."]
  --- coolsig
%
["ACK and you shall receive."]
  --- coolsig
%
["A program is a device used to convert data into error messages."]
  --- coolsig
%
["ICMP: The protocol that goes PING!"]
  --- coolsig
%
["VI VI VI The editor of the beast."]
  --- coolsig
%
["My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."]
  --- coolsig
%
["A computer scientist is someone who, when told to 'Go to Hell', 
  sees the 'go to', rather than the destination, as harmful."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Your mouse has moved.  Windows NT must be restarted 
    for the change to take effect.  Reboot now? 
                          [ OK ]                    "]
  --- coolsig
%
["A much wittier reply came to mind 
  immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button."]
%
["He who laughs last is at 300 baud."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Home is where you hang your @"]
  --- coolsig
%
["Defect borg: Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated."]
  --- coolsig
%
["Hi!  I'm a shareware signature!  
  Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!"]
  --- Laird P. Broadfield
%
["Multitasking = screwing up several things at once."]
  -- Siglet
%
["Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny."]
  -- Siglet
%
["Technology is dominated by two types of people: 
  Those who understand what they do not manage. 
  Those who manage what they do not understand."]
  -- Siglet
%
["I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!"]
  -- Siglet
%
["With no walls or fences on the Internet, 
  who needs Windows or Gates?"]
  -- Siglet
%
["The opinions above are solely those 
  of a 12 year old hacker who has broken into my account, 
  and not those of my employer or any other organization. "]
%
["Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface."]
  -- Siglet
%
['During my service in the United States Congress, 
  I took the initiative in creating the Internet.'] 
     - Al Gore, March 9, 1999: On CNN's Late Edition 
['AAAAARRRRGH']
     - Every StarTrek security Officer and me, reading the quote above
%
["1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast."]
  -- Siglet
%
["665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast."]
  -- Siglet
%
["The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard."]
  -- Siglet
%
["Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. 
  If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram
  them down people's throats."] 
--  Howard Aiken (1900-1972) 
    American Engineer, developed the first computers for IBM
%
[Wer mich nicht versteht, 
 verdient es nicht mich zu verstehen.]
   - Marilyn Manson
%
[Ab einer gewissen Position geht es nicht mehr ums gewinnen,
 sondern ums nicht verlieren] -- Steinek
%
["If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."]
 George W. Bush, Jr.
%
["The future will be better tomorrow."]
 Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
%
["If I ever meet you, I'll Ctrl-Alt-Delete you. "]
Weird Al Yankovich.
%
Insert Nail Here -[ ]- If You Want A New Monitor.
  --Chris Debenham
%
["Kommunikation ist Gl�ckssache."] (MOT)
%
["Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
  Sometimes age comes alone."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["Time may be a great healer,
  but it's a lousy beautician."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["Never be afraid to try something new.
  Remember, amateurs built the ark.
  Professionals built the Titanic."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["Even if you are on the right track, 
  you'll get run over if you just sit there."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
  A pessimist fears that this is true."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["There will always be death and taxes;
  however, death doesn't get worse every year."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
  but nobody bothers to ask you the questions."]
  -- ~bagg~
%
["I exist, therefore I am paid."]
 -- Slashdot
%
["MICROSOFT has combined the strength of its three most
  powerful operating systems: Win CE, WIN ME, WIN NT:
  MS Windows CEMeNT (As hard as Rock and as thumb as a brick.)"]
  --Rob Woolney
%
["Wenn du lange brauchst, bist du langsam.
  Wenn dein Boss lange braucht, ist er gründlich."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Wenn du etwas nicht machst, bist du faul.
  Wenn dein Boss etwas nicht macht, ist er zu beschäftigt."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Wenn du ein Fehler machst, bist du ein Idiot.
  Wenn dein Boss Fehler macht, ist er nur menschlich."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Wenn du etwas unaufgefordert machst, hast du deine Kompetenz
  �berschritten.
  Wenn dein Boss dasselbe macht, ist er initiativ."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Wenn du standhaft bleibst, bist du engstirnig.
  Wenn dein Boss dasselbe macht, ist er standhaft."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Wenn du eine Benimmregel missachtest, bist du unhöflich.
  Wenn dein Boss einige Benimmregeln missachtet, ist er originell."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Wenn du deinem Boss eine Freude machst, bist du ein Arschkriecher.
  Wenn dein Boss seinem Boss eine Freude macht, ist er kooperativ."]
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["Do daemons dream of electric sleep() ?"]
  -- /.
%
["I disapprove of what you say, 
  but I will defend to the death your right to say it."] 
  -S. G. Tallentyre (NOT Voltaire!)
%
["The opinons expressed are those of the voices in the author's head 
  and are not necessarily those of the author."]
%
["There is no substitute for thinking"] 
   - Bjarne Stroustrup
%
Brackets contain world's first nanosig, highly magnified:[.] 
  -- localroger
%
["The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be 
  development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers."]
    -- Bill Gates
%
Hofstadtersches Gesetz: 
Es braucht immer länger als man erwartet,
sogar wenn man das Hofstadtersche Gesetz berücksichtigt.
    -- Douglas R. Hofstadter
%
Frau: "Schenk mir ein Kind!"
Mann: "Kinder werden nicht geschenkt, die werden geboren."
Frau: "Dann bohr mir eins!"
   -- Monday Jogg
%
Warum können Frauen nur beim Sex denken?
Na, nur da sind sie mit dem Hauptrechner verbunden.
  -- Monday Jogg
%
["My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely."]
  -- Woomanhood
%
["Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today."]
  -- Womanhood
%
["A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. 
  She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care."]
  -- Womanhood
%
["Windows is going the way of phlogiston... "]
  -- unknown
%
["Wenn sie die Bewunderung vieler Männer für die Nörgeleien eines
  Einzigen eintauschen wollen, nur zu, heiraten sie!"]
          ---- Katharine Hepburn
%
["Of course I can keep secrets - 
  it's the people I tell them to who can't keep them."]
(Monday Jogg)
%
"Mails mit Attachment sollte man behandeln wie jemand,
 der morgens um 3 Uhr an die Türe klopft"
   -- Angestellter von Symatec 
%
["Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them."]
    -- Monday Jogg
%
["I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here."]
    -- Monday Jogg
%
["Money can't buy happiness, 
  but it sure makes misery easier to live with."]
    -- Monday Jogg
%
["The only product that Microsoft could make that wouldn't suck 
     is a vacuum cleaner."]  -- unknown
%
["Those who would give up essential liberty, 
  to purchase a little temporary safety, 
  deserve neither liberty nor safety."]  
    -- Benjamin Franklin
%
Man muss nie den Menschen nach dem beurteilen, 
was er geschrieben hat, sondern nach dem, 
was er in Gesellschaft von Männern, 
die ihm gewachsen sind, spricht. (Lichtenberg)
%
["Wer denkt, dass ein Projektleiter Projekte leitet,
  denkt wohl auch dass ein Zitronenfalter Zitronen faltet."]
    -- Unknown, seen on IKT
%
"Warum sind Möhren orangener als Orangen?"
%
"Wenn das Universum alles ist und sich ausdehnt, 
  wo dehnt es sich dann rein?"
%
"Warum ist einsilbig dreisilbig?"
%
Q: How many QA testers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: QA testers don't change anything. They just report that it's dark.
  -- Kerry Zallar
%
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
at are called software.
-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
		                   Literacy for the 1990's.
%
The difference between Microsoft and 'Jurassic Park':
In one, a mad businessman makes a lot of money with 
beasts that should be extinct.
The other is a film.
  -- Oleg Broytmann
%
The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT; they are not Bill.
  -- Oleg Broytmann
%
["Only two things are infinite: the universe and stupidity --
and I'm not sure about the former."]
--Albert Einstein
%
["The two most common things in the Universe 
  are hydrogen and stupidity."]
-- Harlan Ellison
%
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
%
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
%
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
%
Hit any user to continue.
%
Buy a better computer so you can reboot faster.
%
Give a man an answer, and today's frustration is gone.
Teach him to program, and he will be frustrated 
for the rest of his life.
%
This .sig is under construc
%
And God divided 1 from 0, and God saw that it was good.
%
In the beginning was the word and in word was two bytes, 
and there was nothing more.
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
   -- Henry Spencer
%
"Use the source, Luke. Be one with the Code."
   -- Linus Torvalds
%
-rw-rw-rw- permissions of the beast.
%
What's nice about GUI is that you see what you manipulate.
What's bad about GUI is that you can only manipulate what you see.
  -- Borrowed from - Hakan Tandogan
%
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
%
To stay awake all night adds a day to your life.
  -- Stilgar (Frank Herbert _Children_of_Dune_)
%
Did you know that 7/5 people don't know how to use fractions?
%
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right!
%
... there is always a well-known solution to every human problem -- neat,
plausible, and wrong.
                -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), "Prejudices"
%
"Wipe Info uses hexadecimal values to wipe files. 
This provides more security
than wiping with decimal values."
  -- Norton SystemWorks 2002 Manual
%
If you have to run heating in winter, you don't own enough computers.
%
Linux: The Ultimate Windows Service Pack.